How our past shapes our financial attitudes

Money isn’t just about numbers; it’s deeply emotional and often tied to trauma that can ripple through generations. In South Africa, where financial struggles and inequality have long histories, experts say recognising and healing these wounds is key to breaking harmful cycles. It’s a tough journey, but it begins with understanding unmet needs and rediscovering who we are beyond the scars of our past. Luxolo Isabelle Dywili, a registered counsellor, mental health advocate, and Sanlam’s Dirtiest Word ‘money therapist’, believes talking about money trauma is a massive step towards healing. “A massive part of moving through money trauma is talking about it,” she says.

Dywili explains that trauma isn’t just about big, dramatic events – it’s any situation that leaves us overwhelmed. “Trauma can be any situation that causes us to feel overwhelmed. Our bodies react by undergoing biological changes, with fight-or-flight stress responses that can continue well beyond the perceived threat. This is how trauma becomes deeply embedded,” she says. When it’s generational, unprocessed reactions get passed down, shaping how families view money. “Money traumas start in childhood with our early experiences in our family systems that have a profound impact on our financial beliefs and future outcomes,” Dywili adds. Growing up poor can leave you with a lingering fear of not having enough, no matter how much you earn later in life. On the flip side, a privileged upbringing might make it hard to cope when money can’t fix everything. “Children are immersed in the money mindsets of their loved ones. Whatever money story exists in your family will inform your money script and how you react to future scenarios. We all have inherited beliefs – ‘money is the root of all evil,’ or ‘you can never have enough money’ – we carry within us.” Physician and author Gabor Maté puts it simply: trauma is “what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you.” He describes two kinds – big ‘T’ traumas, like losing a parent or suffering abuse, and small ‘t’ traumas, like unmet childhood needs. For Maté, trauma often spans generations: “We pass on to our offspring what we haven’t resolved in ourselves.” He calls for compassion in healing, paired with taking responsibility for our own recovery.

Money talk is often taboo, which makes healing even harder. Sanlam’s Dirtiest Word campaign surveyed South Africans about their financial openness. The results? A third rarely chat about money with loved ones, and 9% never do. For many, it’s an uncomfortable topic – 33% feel worried, 20% fear judgement, and 17% are embarrassed. This silence isn’t surprising when 60% grew up in homes where finances were never discussed. It seems we’re taught to chase money but not to speak about it. Dywili suggests starting small to break this pattern. “Healing starts with understanding your family’s history and patterns around money,” she says. Reflect on childhood memories – what did your family say about cash? How did they handle tough financial times? Journaling questions like “What did I learn about money growing up?” can reveal deep-seated beliefs.

“Overcoming financial trauma starts with decreasing shame,” Dywili stresses. “You are not alone, and help is available.” She advises identifying your money trauma triggers and planning how to cope. “Honour your traumas and how they may have impacted you emotionally, spiritually, physically, and financially. Stop any harsh self-judgement and view past traumas as opportunities for learning, growth, and increased resilience". Maté agrees, pushing for acceptance and authenticity. He believes acknowledging what’s happened – and feeling the anger, grief, or loss it brings – creates space for real change. “Acceptance means being with whatever you are and feel in this moment,” he says. This opens the door to authenticity – finding your true self and making new choices instead of repeating old patterns.

Dywili is clear: talking about money is a game-changer. “When we speak about our financial traumas, we realise that we’re not alone; help is available. Money conversations allow us to learn and gain healthy coping strategies to support financial wellness,” she says. Her tips for these chats? Plan ahead. Pick a quiet time, be upfront about why you’re talking, and keep it honest – no sugarcoating. Wrap up on a positive note and thank the other person. “Navigating financial traumas can be uncomfortable, so if you need to pause and come back to a topic later, that’s okay,” she adds.

Experts say it’s time South Africans start speaking about money to heal generational wounds. You don’t need to dive into the deep end – share a money memory with a friend or family member you trust. These talks can strengthen bonds, uncover shared struggles, and spark collective healing. As Dywili puts it, “It starts with you.”