A woman asks if she is wrong for wanting some alone time at home. Picture: Jeshoots.com/Pexels
A 23-year-old woman has asked the internet if she is the a**hole for wanting some alone time in the home she shares with her boyfriend, and asking him to leave once in a while.
The woman, let’s just call her Ashley, posed the question and explained her situation on Reddit’s Am I the A**hole subreddit, and the responses were surprisingly balanced and fair.
She explains that she and her 23-year-old boyfriend share an apartment, but that, recently, she has been feeling like she never gets the opportunity to have alone time at home because her partner – let’s call him Jaryd, never leaves the house.
Ashley has therefore asked Jaryd to go out once in a while so she can do what she wants at home – like watch TV by herself, or dance around in her underwear, but his negative response has her questioning whether she was wrong to ask.
“I travel for work maybe every two months and will go hang out with friends for a couple hours every so often. So my boyfriend has time to relax and have the house to himself. He, however, NEVER leaves. He doesn’t go out to do anything or hang out with anyone.
“The most time I get to myself is the 45 minutes between when I get home from work and he does. I am starting to lose my mind. I really just want some time to relax in my own home instead of having to drive to a coffee shop or something just so I can watch a TV show he doesn’t like.”
This past weekend, Ashley “casually mentioned” to Jaryd that he should go “do something”, but he “got upset” and said she cannot make him leave as the home is also his.
“I agree with him about that, I just want to know if I’m TA (the a**hole) for asking him.”
She explains that Jaryd does pay rent, and so this is why she understands him not wanting to leave. Ashley also clarifies that both she and her boyfriend are introverts and like their time at home, and so her point was not that they need separate rooms or that he is controlling.
“Sometimes I just want to blast music and dance around in my underwear, make food in the shared kitchen, watch TV without another person, etc. I know that sounds selfish but I won’t have had a day where no one was in our house since last May. I love him but I need time to not see another person too. I realise I could compromise more too, but I have been for months and I really just want one day to myself.”
She also pointed out that her suggestion that he go out on the weekend was not done “in a mean way”.
“I simply asked him if he wanted to go to the range this weekend and I could hang at home. He said he had no money and I told him I could help if he wants to go, I would just like a few hours at the place to myself.”
It was thereafter that he made the comment that she cannot make him leave his home.
In her response, BondGirlVillain said Ashley was “not the a**hole” for asking Jaryd to leave, but neither was Jaryd for not wanting to leave the home.
“This could be an indicator of overall compatibility, or it could just mean that the two of you shouldn't live together at this stage of your relationship. If you can afford it, consider an occasional weekend package at a hotel or B&B for some time alone. Otherwise, you're going to have to take your time ‘alone’ with him in the apartment, which means there need to be times when you're unavailable, he's not allowed to disturb you, and he does not get to comment on what you're doing (or not doing) before, during or after.
“When the lease is up, the two of you may need to decamp to separate households. He could see it as a rejection, so be prepared for that if you choose to do it.”
A number of other Redditors suggested the couple move to a bigger apartment where they can each have their own space. One said they could also consider getting another TV.
Ashley, however, replied that the size of the apartment was not the problem, just the fact that she sometimes wanted to be alone in it.
CouchCandy emphathised with her: “Maybe she's an introvert by nature and she needs alone time to recharge. Personally when I need alone time to recharge and someone constantly comes to interrupt my alone time it makes me extra stressed out. I remember as a child trying to escape to the garage for a little peace and quiet but my mom would find me and talk my...ear off. She didn't care about my alone time.”
The Redditor added that, when one is already overstimulated and “frazzled”, having someone interrupt their sacred alone time “really just makes things exponentially worse”.
“That being said, it's his house too, and if he's a homebody then it really is just a compatibility issue.”
A number of responders likened Ashley’s situation to their experiences during the Covid lockdown, when they were stuck at home with their partners or children, or were working from home.
Some people are still going through these challenges as working-from-home has become the norm.
Cathy, from Johannesburg, works from home permanently, as does her husband. And while the situation is not too problematic, she says it can be a bit suffocating having to occupy the same space 24/7.
“When I have work meetings I need to move to the bedroom as I don’t like having him in the same office space. The meetings are strictly work-related so it is not about me not wanting him to hear them, but I just don’t feel comfortable. This is especially the case when he asks me questions about things that arose during the meetings.
“But when he has his meetings, he does not move and I am forced to listen to the conversations for hours as he is constantly in meetings. It is annoying. His voice and the way he talks with his colleagues is also starting to annoy me.”
She adds that her husband often just starts talking to her about random things when she is “in the work zone” and, if she does not hear him or reply, he takes it personally.
“Also, if I have a headache or just need to take a break for five minutes and go to the bedroom, he thinks this is a cue for conversation. Sometimes I just want some quiet time.”
A number of experts and couples have shared their advice online about how to make ‘working from home with your partner’ work. Tips include:
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